Believable Lies Part 1: Silence is Acceptance
Once every eight weeks or so, our tribal community holds a meeting with the tribal council known as the Regular Bi-Monthly Membership Meeting. From one meeting to the next, a lot of stuff can happen. In fact, there is such a vast amount of information presented in power-point presentations that, at times, absorbing it all is like trying to take a sip from a fire hose.
At the end of these meetings, a common question is offered to the members present, particularly whenever the tribal council requests feedback on a future decision they plan to make:
Are there any questions? Remember folks…silence is acceptance.
For many years I remained silent at most tribal meetings, but my silence did not mean I accepted or agreed with everything I heard. (I’ll explain why in a moment.) I listened, observed, and took pages of notes, and most of the time I refrained from adding my own concerns and opinions during the hour-long Q&A session at the end of every meeting.
I have a different perspective on silence. I believe the declaration “silence is acceptance” is not only inaccurate; it’s a type of lie woven deep within the psyche of our community. Any interpretation of someone’s intentions – absent of mutual understanding, time to research and process information, or freedom of communication within preset, respectful boundaries – is a deviation of authentic truth. The term “silence is acceptance” is actually a subtle form of manipulation. It’s an inherited mindset, ignorantly extended by those who follow the example of others who led in similar ways before them.
The truth is, silence can mean a lot of things and manifest in a variety of ways. The existence of silence should never been interpreted as the absence of contradicting opinion. Rather, silence can be either positive or negative, depending on the mindset of those remaining silent. For this reason, we ought to be mindful to the messages relayed within our cones of meeting silence.
When Silence is Negative
Silence is negative when it becomes the language of those who lack hope; particularly those who feel their voices are not deemed important enough to be considered or accepted. Silence can also manifest as a preference by those who lack the skills or patience necessary to communicate peacefully under pressure. But the type of silence most debilitating is when a person’s silence entraps him or her into believing there is nothing he or she can do to influence positive change.
Why Silence Happens
Negative silence is the outcome of a passive form of bullying. It’s the wearying affect of being condescended to, dictated or talked down to rather than respected, valued and uplifted. It’s a reaction to a type of torture – the steady, daily water-drip antagonizing the soul of a community through passive, arrogant expression in a leader’s actions and words:
You need me. I’m the best leader for you. There is no one else who can lead effectively as me. You don’t understand what I understand. You’re not as educated/popular/acceptable/respected enough to be influential. I am here to make the decisions for you. I know what’s best for you and you do not.
Negative silence is one response to controlling mindsets – when every community decision is confined within the strict parameters of a leader’s comfort zone, regardless of what might be best for the whole community. It’s a response to empty “open door policies” veiled securely behind locked doors. It’s the result of formalizing even the simplest interactions. It’s the affect of decades of secrecy and bureaucracy, limiting and prohibiting the community’s access to and use of information.
How Silence is Revealed – Negative and Positive
Silence is often revealed through absence, such as a poor turnout to meetings and events. It’s when people stop asking questions, quit volunteering or refrain from attempting to offer solutions to problems. It’s when people lose faith in a bureaucratic system; when they feel unwelcome, disenfranchised or powerless to contribute anything of value. It’s when priorities shift dramatically as people show up late, refuse to engage and decide to leave early, viewing a meeting or event gathering as much lower on their list of importance than it used to be.
Silence is also evident in people who refuse to vote. It’s when people believe their vote makes no difference in a situation, although in reality, their absence really does become a type of vote. It’s an abstention allowing the majority vote of the day to rule the outcome of a decision, regardless of a voter’s stand on the matter. It’s the only time, in fact, when silence actually becomes a form of acceptance, whether it is intended or not.
Silence is positive when it is evidence of wisdom. There is a sacredness in silence that is seldom recognized, such as when silence is held by those waiting for the right timing to say what needs to be said in a way it might be received most effectively, whether written, spoken or both. Silence empties the mind of clutter, allowing it to absorb and fully process what has entered it. Silence enables one to consider rather than simply react.
It’s also evident in those who choose the silence of absence as a catalyst for positive change, even when it’s only temporary. Removing oneself from controlling, manipulative, abusive, gossip-laden, deceitful or oppressive groups and situations, for instance. This can include relationships, family gatherings, meetings, online groups and even some work environments. In these situations, a person’s ability to walk away and remain temporarily silent becomes a demonstration of his or her strength – the wisdom to understand one’s limits, and the awareness that circumstances do not dictate his or her value, abilities or limitations.
It’s your turn: In what ways do you believe silence can be positive or negative within a relationship, family or community?
I disagree. What of a mother who finds out that her daughter is being molested by her father..and the mother does nothing and says nothing?
Hi Rachel, thank you for taking time to reply to my post today. You do bring up a very good point, but the context in which I’m referring to the issue of “silence is acceptance” in the above article is specific to tribal meetings and tribal government policy actions. The issue of child molestation, however, would certainly warrant a lengthy discussion.
As far as the issue of “silence is acceptance” in that regard, sometimes sexual abuse goes unreported because of fear, an unbelief that anyone would take an whistle-blower seriously, or even disbelief that it’s happening altogether (i.e. denial). These scenarios certainly don’t translate that someone “accepts” such a crime, but I suppose inaction can send the wrong signal to a perpetrator that his actions will remain a secret. Such are subjects worthy of a psychological review.
Unfortunately, the issue of sexual abuse is one that runs rampant among most tribes, from what I’ve learned. There are probably not enough discussions and actions intended to guide victims to recovery and healing. I’m not an expert on the subject, but I certainly welcome anyone who is to submit a guest post in the future.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
Warmly,
Lori
Very good article, one that all tribal members experience.
Unfortunately, many Tribal communities (and First Nation) value control over openness. I have yet to see one Tribal (First Nation) community, practice open leadership. The conditioning to do business the way Tribal (First Nation) governments have been trained to do business is the exact opposite of (Native/Aboriginal/First Nation) values. In our traditional forms of government, people felt comfortable engaging in a discussion and dialogue about a topic or concern they had without the fear of …… There are so many of them. My Point! Tribal (First Nation) governments need to change how they share (communicate, and transmit) information with the people. Obviously the old ways of doing business are not and never have worked in the first place. Yet, the practice continues. It’s time for a radical shift in how business gets done at the Tribal government level. Tribal governments are not operating in a vacuum. There has been a positive change in people. People will no longer sit back and say nothing because it’s no longer the day and age for it. It’s time for elected and designated leaders to practice open leadership.
I couldn’t agree more!
In the older Navajo way I grew up with, there are two forms of signing off. Ah’go’nee’, which is like, “see you later” and Ah’go’she’nee’ which is like, “does everyone understand?”. After this latter sign off, the speaker/presenter, looks around and makes eye contact with everyone or a sign of question(s). If there are none, they would slap both hands on their lap and stand up. This would signal, the end. All this in silence.
Many meetings, were conducted this way. In a silent manner, longer than I have been alive.
I enjoy your thoughts.
Hi Nathan, and welcome.
You shared a fascinating cultural parallel in social interaction. I always enjoy learning about our sister tribes across the country, and they way we each interact in similar and differing ways. Thank you very much for taking the time to add your voice to this subject today.
-Lori
Lori, when I saw the “Silence is Acceptance” part of the message on my computer screen..I thought IMMEDIATELY..NO, it is NOT! I should have KNOWN you would delve into it thoroughly and expose it for what it really IS. Sometimes it can be the opening of the door to positive dialogue, idea-exchanges, and research that takes time and patience…other times it is a complete reaction/shock/disbelief…to what was just said.
SILENCE IS NOT ACCEPTANCE…and especially when it comes to Tribal Political Matters..
Those who blurt out the first thing that runs through their mind, are often ineffective in garnering others to their side,even if their side is a VALID and noble cause, simply because of the way they presented their views.. outburst that are not clearly thought out or worded…can turn off people who would otherwise rally beside them for positive change…
KEEP UP your GOOD WORKS, you should write for the NY Times or Washington Post…
Alida, you have gained a great deal of wisdom through your past trials. Thank you so much for lending your voice today! Warmly, Lori
Lori,
a thoughtful article! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head–not just for your Mashantucket community but for many Indian communities–mine included.
I would emphasize and echo that sometimes a person needs to be able to say “I am silent on this now, but will address it later.”
The caveat is that while this works well in a consensus building community without time constraints, (like in the “old days”) it is difficult to achieve in this era of artificial deadlines.
I think this works well and best in personal relationships–if we have the presence of mind to be able to say it when needed!
Best Wishes,
Russell
I couldn’t agree more! Thanks for taking time to reply today, Russ. Warmly, Lori